I Don’t Do Sarcasm Anymore … I’m Post-Ironic

An incident occurred at around midnight which has put me in a perpetual state of pissed off, and after having spent 45 minutes on the phone to my poor friend ranting about the incident, we decided it would be a good idea for me to take advantage of my state of rage and blog about some of the other things in the world that piss me the fuck off.

1. People who stand on the wrong side of the escalators.
I fucking HATE it when people decide that it’s okay to stand on the left side of the escalators despite the fact that there are at least 20 signs saying ‘please stand on the right’. Even if you’re a fucking tourist and can’t read/understand English, you should at least be smart enough to see what everybody else is doing and follow the fucking trend. Escalators are about as fast as a sedated donkey on a good day, and so when I’m in a rush and politely ask these idiots to move the fuck out of my way, I really don’t understand why they huff and puff at me like I’ve just asked them to fucking shove a cone up their asses whilst performing the Macarena.

2. Teenagers who listen to music on the bus.
Nobody needs to hear the shit music coming from your phone. And what is the point in holding the phone up to your ear when it’s on fucking speaker anyway? You’re on the top deck and the fucking driver can hear that shit, so really, WHAT IS THE POINT? There’s these things called headphones … use them. THEY COME FREE WITH THE FUCKING PHONE. Oh … and what’s that … you want to sing along as well? Don’t. Your ’singing’ sounds more like the sound Paris Hilton’s parrot makes when trying to sing along to her songs. Shut the fuck up.

3. People who decide it’s a good idea to just stop walking.
As if people who walk slower than your average garden snail aren’t bad enough, we have these wonderful morons who decide it’s a BRILLIANT idea to just stop walking in the middle of the street for no logical reason. Bonus points to the idiots who decide to go Oxford Street with suitcases. Don’t fucking cry because I have purposely kicked your suitcase over. You fucking deserved it, now kindly fuck off.

I did have more things to add to this list, but I’ve decided to go to bed instead. So instead of crying about not having more to read, go and do something productive … like fucking yourself.

Sweet dreams.

What the fuck is wrong with the BBC lately? An article about David Cameron’s hairstyle is currently on the front page of BBC news.

Mr Cameron, who normally parts his hair to one side, had a new look for the clash with Gordon Brown on Wednesday.

How the fuck is this news, and who the fuck cares?

When I wake up on a Saturday morning with a hangover and drag myself out of bed to meet my friends at the university library to do some studying, I fully expect to actually get some studying done.

It was all going well for the first few hours when we were in our private study room, but then when we went to another section of the library, I met the biggest idiot of the week. Now, the library has places for group work where you can talk to each other, and then it has other places for silent study. This was one of those silent areas. So anyway, I sat down and started opening my books, when I noticed the guy next to me reading out his essay/notes/whatever out loud.

I tried to ignore it but then I found myself learning more about his subject, which appeared to be about how to make yourself look like a flying turd, than my own. Five minutes later the guy appeared to suffer from a case of fucktarditis and began to repeat his words with a few drops of stuttering for extra effect. He saw me giving him the evils and yet carried on.

“…may be demonstrated, d-d-demonstrated, may be demonstrated…”

Fuck off.

I looked over and he was rocking backwards and forwards reading out his work. Everyone around him was obviously getting annoyed but no one said anything, so I decided it was time to make my move. N-n-no idiot is going to take away precious studying time from my friends and I during this month of woe.

I opened up a random page in my book and started reading out loud, copying the guy with his random repeating and rocking. A bunch of people started to laugh quietly to themselves, and after I was almost done with my first paragraph about to move on to the second, the guy got up and left.

I win, motherfucker.

Today marks the 93rd anniversary of the Armenian Genocide in which 1.5 million Armenians were systematically killed by the “Young Turk” government of the Ottoman Empire. Armenians all over the world commemorate this tragedy on April 24, because it was on this day in 1915 when 300 Armenian leaders, writers, thinkers and professionals were rounded up, deported and killed in Constantinople (present day Istanbul). Also on that day, 5,000 of the poorest Armenians were butchered in the streets and in their homes.

I should like to see any power of the world try to destroy this race, this small tribe of unimportant people, whose wars have all been fought and lost, whose structures have crumbled, whose literature is unread, music is unheard, and prayers are no more answered. Go ahead, destroy Armenia. See if you can do it. Send them into the desert without food or water, burn their homes and churches. Then see if they will not laugh, sing and pray again. For when two of them meet anywhere in the world, see if they will not create a new Armenia.

-William Saroyan

In 2006, an award-winning documentary called Screamers was made, starring Armenian band System of a Down. The film explores why genocide has recurred in the modern day, and also examines genocide denial in current day Turkey. Watch the trailer below, and if you’re interested in buying the DVD, you can do so from Amazon.

Hrant Dink, an Armenian journalist living in Turkey known for advocating Turkish-Armenian reconciliation, was often critical of Turkey’s denial of the Armenian Genocide. He was prosecuted three times for denigrating Turkishness, and received numerous death threats from Turkish nationalists. In 2007 he was killed by a 17 year old Turkish nationalist. To this day, the Turkish government denies the genocide ever took place.

To date, 22 countries officially recognise the Armenian Genocide. The USA and UK are not one of them. Help raise awareness of the Armenian Genocide and other genocides around the world. Tell your friends and tell them to tell their friends. Join the facebook groups and check out all the links on there. Invite your friends.
Մենք քիչ ենք, սակայն մեզ հայ են ասում…

Haven’t shown any magic for a while.
Can’t be bothered to record a new trick.
Here’s an old one.

Dear Channel 5,
Thanks a fucking lot for ruining Neighbours 30 seconds before it started with your stupid fucking commentary. Your channel is shit, your presenters are shit, and all the shows you show (except Neighbours and CSI) are shit. Go fuck yourselves.

Dear Oprah Winfrey,
“Oprah Winfrey plans to dedicate Friday’s episode of her daytime TV talker to her beloved Cocker Spaniel, Sophie, who died last month from kidney failure.”
No one cares. (Except Elizabeth who wants to bum you).

Dear Perez Hilton,
Stop referring to yourself in the plural. It’s getting fucking old.

Dear people who can’t spell,
You see those red lines under all those words you just typed? They aren’t there for fucking decoration.

Dear Madonna,
Your songs are shit, your dancing is shit, your face is shit. Why are you still here?

Dear Republicans,
Fuck off.

Dear Angelina Jolie,
Fuck me.

America. Are you actually fucking serious? Really? First you got rid of The O.C., decided that that wasn’t enough, so you told Gilmore Girls to fuck off along with Veronica Mars. AND NOW, now you fucking fuckers, you are getting rid of The L Word.

Season 5 is going to end in 2 weeks and then the final season is going to have 8 episodes. Yes folks, we’re not even getting a full fucking season. What the fuck can you show in 8 fucking episodes? The fucking credits maybe if you’re lucky.

Showtime executives and series creator/executive producer Ilene Chaiken believed that eight additional episodes were creatively what was needed to wrap up the story lines.

Showtime, are you fucking kidding me? Do I look like I give two shits about what is creatively needed? Do the Showtime executives even watch the show? Apart from The L Word and Dexter, the network is about as good as finding out you have herpes and then getting farted in the face.

Chaiken, who created the series with Kathy Greenberg and Michele Abbott, said the show will live on, interactively.

“This is by no means the end of ‘The L Word,”‘ she said. “The brand and the social network community, OurChart.com, will continue to live [as a] lasting tribute to what ‘The L Word’ has accomplished.”

WHO THE FUCK EVEN VISITS OURCHART.COM? I just went on it now to see what was on there, and let me tell you, it sucks. WHAT IS IT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE? Do I look like I want to talk to other fans of the show about storylines that will never happen? NO. Do I look like I want to make a fucking profile so that other people can find me? NO. Do I look like I will ever fucking visit ourchart.com again? FUCKING NO.

GO FUCK YOURSELVES SHOWTIME. AND WHEN YOU’RE DONE, GO FUCK JENNIFER FUCKING SCHECTER.

Note: If any actors/creators associated with The L Word ever read this, then all the hate above is not directed towards you and don’t hate me please. :p

So, I’m not one to discuss every concert I go to, but seeing as I’m about to discuss one now, you know something interesting happened. I can feel your excitement already so I will go ahead and begin.

Tonight I saw Uh Huh Her and for those of you that don’t know, one of the band members is Leisha Hailey who plays Alice in The L Word (link contains spoilers).

Let me start by saying that the support act, if you can call it that, was worse than the sound you hear when you listen to Kelly Clarkson’s latest album. Up until this evening I didn’t even think that was possible. It wasn’t even a band. There were these 2 girls dressed up in something out of a WWI reject’s closet and they were standing there “DJing”, and by DJing I really mean making me want to throw metal objects at their heads. They were pressing play on a fucking computer, not doing any mixes, and playing music nobody has heard of. FOR AN HOUR. And don’t even get me started on their “dancing”; they were standing on the stage next to each other moving one shoulder up and down the entire time, which brings me to my first quote of the night:

Friend: What the fuck is this dancing about?
Me: I don’t know, but they are stiffer than Michael is when he’s in bed with me.
*badoom psh*

We were sitting up in the first row of the balcony and the people downstairs on the floor kept taking pictures of our general direction, which brings me to my second quote of the night:

Friend: Why do they keep turning around and taking photos of up here?
Me: Because I’m sitting here, obviously.

During this so called support act, we managed to watch an entire episode of Friends on an iPod Touch, and I’m pretty sure the people behind us were watching too because they were so bored.

But moving on to the good stuff! Uh Huh Her finally came on stage at around 9:30pm. I felt bad for Camila because everyone was taking photos of Leisha and shouting her name, but Camila if you ever read this, I took equal amounts of photos of you and Leisha! Yay me! Anyway, they rocked and I think everyone should go to iTunes and buy their album.

When the concert finished we hung out outside for a while where we bumped into some other friends of ours who we didn’t know were going to the gig. Then Camila and Leisha (and the drummer/guitarist who no one cares about) came out and talked to everyone/signed stuff. This was the conversation that happened because that’s all that matters:

Me: Hey, how are you?
Cam: Great thanks, you?
Me: Good!
*insert more random conversation*
Me: So I have a question, how do you guys pronounce the band name because when we say it we sound like idiots because of our accents.
Leisha: Go on say it!
Me + Friend: No, you say it first!
Cam: I don’t even know how to say it myself.
Leisha: Uh Huh Herrrrr
Me + Friend: When we say it we sound like Elvis.
Leisha: Oh yeahh, because you guys don’t have the “errrrr”.
*more random conversation*
Leisha: Where do you guys live?
Me + Friend: Camden.
Leisha: Cam, they live in Camden! We know Camden.

At this point the security people were telling us to fuck off because other people were waiting for their autographs or whatever, so I shook Camila and Leisha’s hands whilst carrying on the conversation and practically got pushed away from them by security, so I shouted “nice to meet you” and Leisha started laughing, though the security people weren’t impressed. :p

So anyway, the whole point of this entry was to tell you that they are awesome. Check out their music OR ELSE.