I Don’t Do Sarcasm Anymore … I’m Post-Ironic

America. Are you actually fucking serious? Really? First you got rid of The O.C., decided that that wasn’t enough, so you told Gilmore Girls to fuck off along with Veronica Mars. AND NOW, now you fucking fuckers, you are getting rid of The L Word.

Season 5 is going to end in 2 weeks and then the final season is going to have 8 episodes. Yes folks, we’re not even getting a full fucking season. What the fuck can you show in 8 fucking episodes? The fucking credits maybe if you’re lucky.

Showtime executives and series creator/executive producer Ilene Chaiken believed that eight additional episodes were creatively what was needed to wrap up the story lines.

Showtime, are you fucking kidding me? Do I look like I give two shits about what is creatively needed? Do the Showtime executives even watch the show? Apart from The L Word and Dexter, the network is about as good as finding out you have herpes and then getting farted in the face.

Chaiken, who created the series with Kathy Greenberg and Michele Abbott, said the show will live on, interactively.

“This is by no means the end of ‘The L Word,”‘ she said. “The brand and the social network community, OurChart.com, will continue to live [as a] lasting tribute to what ‘The L Word’ has accomplished.”

WHO THE FUCK EVEN VISITS OURCHART.COM? I just went on it now to see what was on there, and let me tell you, it sucks. WHAT IS IT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE? Do I look like I want to talk to other fans of the show about storylines that will never happen? NO. Do I look like I want to make a fucking profile so that other people can find me? NO. Do I look like I will ever fucking visit ourchart.com again? FUCKING NO.

GO FUCK YOURSELVES SHOWTIME. AND WHEN YOU’RE DONE, GO FUCK JENNIFER FUCKING SCHECTER.

Note: If any actors/creators associated with The L Word ever read this, then all the hate above is not directed towards you and don’t hate me please. :p

So, I’m not one to discuss every concert I go to, but seeing as I’m about to discuss one now, you know something interesting happened. I can feel your excitement already so I will go ahead and begin.

Tonight I saw Uh Huh Her and for those of you that don’t know, one of the band members is Leisha Hailey who plays Alice in The L Word (link contains spoilers).

Let me start by saying that the support act, if you can call it that, was worse than the sound you hear when you listen to Kelly Clarkson’s latest album. Up until this evening I didn’t even think that was possible. It wasn’t even a band. There were these 2 girls dressed up in something out of a WWI reject’s closet and they were standing there “DJing”, and by DJing I really mean making me want to throw metal objects at their heads. They were pressing play on a fucking computer, not doing any mixes, and playing music nobody has heard of. FOR AN HOUR. And don’t even get me started on their “dancing”; they were standing on the stage next to each other moving one shoulder up and down the entire time, which brings me to my first quote of the night:

Friend: What the fuck is this dancing about?
Me: I don’t know, but they are stiffer than Michael is when he’s in bed with me.
*badoom psh*

We were sitting up in the first row of the balcony and the people downstairs on the floor kept taking pictures of our general direction, which brings me to my second quote of the night:

Friend: Why do they keep turning around and taking photos of up here?
Me: Because I’m sitting here, obviously.

During this so called support act, we managed to watch an entire episode of Friends on an iPod Touch, and I’m pretty sure the people behind us were watching too because they were so bored.

But moving on to the good stuff! Uh Huh Her finally came on stage at around 9:30pm. I felt bad for Camila because everyone was taking photos of Leisha and shouting her name, but Camila if you ever read this, I took equal amounts of photos of you and Leisha! Yay me! Anyway, they rocked and I think everyone should go to iTunes and buy their album.

When the concert finished we hung out outside for a while where we bumped into some other friends of ours who we didn’t know were going to the gig. Then Camila and Leisha (and the drummer/guitarist who no one cares about) came out and talked to everyone/signed stuff. This was the conversation that happened because that’s all that matters:

Me: Hey, how are you?
Cam: Great thanks, you?
Me: Good!
*insert more random conversation*
Me: So I have a question, how do you guys pronounce the band name because when we say it we sound like idiots because of our accents.
Leisha: Go on say it!
Me + Friend: No, you say it first!
Cam: I don’t even know how to say it myself.
Leisha: Uh Huh Herrrrr
Me + Friend: When we say it we sound like Elvis.
Leisha: Oh yeahh, because you guys don’t have the “errrrr”.
*more random conversation*
Leisha: Where do you guys live?
Me + Friend: Camden.
Leisha: Cam, they live in Camden! We know Camden.

At this point the security people were telling us to fuck off because other people were waiting for their autographs or whatever, so I shook Camila and Leisha’s hands whilst carrying on the conversation and practically got pushed away from them by security, so I shouted “nice to meet you” and Leisha started laughing, though the security people weren’t impressed. :p

So anyway, the whole point of this entry was to tell you that they are awesome. Check out their music OR ELSE.

Living in London it’s not unusual to bump into someone famous. Last year I bumped into people like Kelly Osbourne, Stephen Fry and Ashley Jensen just to name a few. Living next to Amy Winehouse and having a pub nearby frequented by people like her, Kate Moss and Kirsten Dunst also means there are always people hanging around the area.

Today on the train home from uni I noticed someone sitting in front of me and I was like wait a minute I know her. I realised she was in the band Mr Hudson & The Library who were one of the support acts at an Amy Winehouse concert I went to last year. Eventually I was like okay this is going to bug me if I don’t, so I went and sat opposite her and said hi. She was really friendly and we spoke for about 20 minutes until I had to get off the train. We exchanged contact details and apparently she lives right next to my uni and the other band members live pretty close to me, so who knows, I might bump into her or them again in the future. It was pretty random. :p

And now, my four day weekend begins. Awesome.

Some of you may be readers of the website PerezHilton.com. If you are you will know he was DJing at the Soho Revue Bar in London last night. Who do you know that reads his site and lives in London? That’s right, me. No, you don’t win a prize for guessing correctly.

So anyway we get to the bar last night and the queue is going around 2 corners. After queuing for 45-60 minutes people at the front were getting told they couldn’t go in because they didn’t have a ticket, or pretty much because the bouncers decided only certain people were going to be let in to the venue.

The paparazzi were also outside the doors and so it meant famous people would be present. I have a really strong hatred for the paparazzi ever since an incident that occurred after an Amy Winehouse VIP party, but that’s a story for another day.

Anyway, the bouncers didn’t have a problem with us going in because we are pretty much awesome, and so we entered. Jodie Harsh was hosting the party and I must say his/her (let’s just refer to Jodie as a female from now) DJing was fucking awesome. She’s pretty badass and every time she walked around the club she had 2 security men accompanying her.

There were a few celebrities around but mostly people I don’t care about enough to mention. Perez finally started DJing at around 1:30am, and started with a mix he said we were the first people to hear. It was pretty much a song about his penis. Video below. Recorded on phone.

The night consisted mostly of what you see on this flyer:

And they weren’t kidding about the slutty pole dancers. Video of that below, again recorded on phone.

Overall it was a good night but I do have one complaint. Drinks were an average of £8/$16 for spirit + mixer. What is that about! Quote of the night, said by me at the end of the party: “It would have been better if the cheaps were drinker.” Worst thing is, I wasn’t even drunk.

It’s Magic Monday. I tried to record a trick but my brain is fried from drunken activities over the weekend and so instead you are getting the result of me attempting to record a trick and failing. Many times.

Sometimes when I’m in public, I like to do normal things like ask people for directions to the Eiffel Tower whilst standing in the middle of a busy London street, or instead of asking for the time I point to my watch and ask if they know what the temperature is.

Today I decided I would pretend to be working for a government intelligence agency. I walked down the road and then suddenly put my hand to my ear and said “I’ve got a 20 on the target. Alpha team standby.” I spotted a woman looking towards where I was looking and then speed walking in the opposite direction. Awesome. Or should I say, without me it’s aweso.

I encourage you all to partake in these normal activities. Get a friend to film it on video for extra funsies. :p

It’s Monday which means I owe you a magic trick. I recorded this one a few days ago in the pub. There’s no sound so I’m going to explain what’s going on. The camera angle is not ideal, but this can be used to your advantage because it makes it pretty easy to figure out how the trick is done. So watch, learn, and impress your friends.

2 spectators pick a card each and then place them on top of the deck. The deck is shuffled and cut into two equal piles. A spectator holds one pile while the magician holds the other. The magician takes half of the cards from one pile and turns them face up and places them on the face down half. The same is done with the pile the spectator is holding. These 2 piles are then put on top of each other. The cards magically all turn back the right way around except for the 2 cards the spectators chose.

So I went and saw Juno today. Awesome film. Ellen Page who plays Juno really reminded me of somebody throughout the film and really sounded like somebody else, so after the film I googled on my phone who she could possibly be reminding me of. As we were walking out of the screen, I said “shit, where’s my phone?” The guy who worked there started laughing and then I realised I was holding it and staring at Google. Duh. Anyway so I figured out she reminded me of Linda Cardellini. First mission accomplished.

Next step, working out who she sounded like. So now we’re walking down the stairs of the cinema and Google brings up the name Ellen Page and I say “who the fuck is Ellen Page?” even though I had just typed her name in 5 seconds beforehand. My friend was just like “…” At this point I decided it would be better for me to give up my quest because my mind was obviously vacationing in America where such stupid outbursts I’m sure are perfectly normal.

This still leaves me with an unanswered question. If you’ve seen Juno, did her voice remind you of anyone else’s?

I’ve decided that I’m going to rename Mondays to Magic Mondays. Why? Every Monday I’m going to post a video of me doing a magic trick. You’ll either see the trick working or you’ll get to laugh when it goes wrong. Either way, it’s a win-win situation for you. If you’re in the London area, watch out. In the next few weeks I will be approaching unsuspecting people on the street and sawing them in half. You don’t want that one to go wrong.

The videos will start off with basic tricks to get you in the mood, and will slowly build up to bursts of awesome.

So, are you ready? Let the show begin. [cue scary thundery music]

Once again the workout that is American Idol has begun. I’m pretty sure watching this show every year is what gives me the abs I pretend I have. Why? I’m going to show you why. Meet James Lewis, my favourite contestant of season 7 so far. Watch the clip below and once you’re done laughing you will have achieved the equivalent result of doing 500 sit-ups. You’re welcome.