Dear Wembley Arena,
If you are going to have a ‘no professional cameras’ rule, can you please employ some individuals who know the slightest fucking detail about cameras. You know, just enough detail to know what a professional fucking camera is, and to know that mine does not count as one.
Yours,
A Gwen Stefani fan with no photos
This is the greatest video ever. Elijah Wood is my new hero.
In other news, the FDA says it’s acceptable for 225 grams of macaroni to contain 225 insect fragments and 4.5 rodent hairs. Check out the full list of everyday insect-infested foods here.
Located in what used to be the millennium dome, new music venue the o2 opened in 2007 and has since received a lot of good publicity with big names such as Barbra Streisand and Justin Timberlake performing there. Last week I had the pleasure, and I use the term lightly, of visiting the venue. At first I was very impressed; queuing indoors surrounded by lots of restaurants is great for winter concerts, the way in which the crowd is slowly walked into where the stage is located is a great way of ensuring people stay in line unlike other venues such as Wembley, where once past the bag checks, people proceed to form a human stampede. This good impression however didn’t last very long.
Now, before entering the arena I wasn’t very convinced about the fact that the stage was located in the middle with the crowd surrounding it in a circle, and now I know why. Yes ladies and gentlemen, of all the concerts I have been to, and there have been a fair few, this had to have been the most idiotically designed stage that my brain has ever had the pleasure of processing. Whoever the hell designed it must have gotten the blueprints from a Christmas cracker; there’s no other explanation as to why anyone, nincompoop or not, would want to design such a headache inducing arena. After spending just 5 minutes there I had already called my psychiatrist and arranged anger management classes. Seriously, who decided it would be a good idea to charge 60 pounds [$120] per ticket, and then have a stage so brilliantly designed that 50% of the time the artist was out of view to one half of the crowd? As if this circular piece of crap wasn’t enough, it also had the great skill of having a middle which lifted up and down. Now picture this: you have been queuing to see your favourite artist and you finally enter and are front row. The lights go down and the crowd begins to scream. The stage rises with your favourite singer in the center. Oh wait … no … what’s that … where did he go? Is it a microphone? Is it a speaker? No. It’s the guitarist, pianist, bassist and the rest of the fucking wannabe philharmonic orchestra surrounding the singer and thus blocking the view. Oh wait a minute … are they about to move out of the wa- … what the … what the fuck is that coming down? A … screen? Are they actually kidding me? Fuck off.
Despite all this, I do have to admit that this venue did have the best sound out of all the major venues that I have been to. However, I can sit in my bedroom, put a CD into my surround sound entertainment system and alternate between staring at a poster of an artist hidden behind some objects and a blank wall for free.
To summarise, this venue has more problems than Nicole Richie driving down the wrong way of a one-way street. Sort it out.
And so it is that time of year again. The world according to the BBC stops and starts revolving around the event that is Wimbledon. Now don’t get me wrong I love tennis. I love to play it and I don’t mind watching it occasionally, but Wimbledon just seems to bring out a monster inside of me which wants to kill anyone within sight that mentions the game.
Is it really necessary to take over 2 fucking channels and air tennis on both of them for the whole day? No it is not. Who does that? And don’t even get me started on the good TV shows I have to miss out on because they are postponed due to the fact the BBC wants to watch sweaty people running around and grunting the entire day. In the UK, we are several months behind Australia in a show called Neighbours. Why? Because of Wimbledon, that’s why. There’s no other logical explanation.
It’s not even like the tennis players are playing tennis the entire day. London loves the rain, and it obviously affects the way in which the tennis players grunt and so they cancel the matches when this happens. Now, during this time they could easily show an episode of Neighbours. Do they? No. Instead the public can watch match replays in case they missed the speed at which their favourite player served the ball the 13th time around. Or what about an interview with Tim Henman? Maybe this year, after over 10 years, he will make it to the finals. Yeah, right. But don’t worry, you can still hear about how fabulous he is on the BBC during the weeks leading up to and during Wimbledon.
Wimbledon, I hate your presence on television. Fuck off to somewhere no one cares about, like channel 5. Speaking of which, at this moment in time I am glad the BBC made a huge mistake and dropped Neighbours. Channel 5, forgive me. I like you after all. At least this time next year the tennis won’t interfere with my friends on Ramsay Street.
The CW television network has released its schedule for next season and Veronica Mars is not on the list. Dawn Ostroff, entertainment president for the CW said:
Veronica Mars is over. We’re talking about something else. I don’t know if it’s going to be anything. I’m being honest with you. It could come back in some form, but I don’t know what form that would be.
Is she actually kidding me? You’ll never guess what the Veronica Mars timeslot has been replaced with. No, really. When I tell you, you will proceed to check your calendar to make sure it’s not April 1st. Ready? The CW’s newest show is Farmer Wants A Wife. Yes, they are replacing Veronica Mars with a reality show ABOUT A FARMER. What the fuck? On the slightly bright side, and by bright, I mean American TV is about as useful as an STD, Dawn Ostroff told reporters that Veronica as we know it is over, but that she is talking to Rob Thomas and Kristen Bell about a “future project.”
Now, I think Kristen Bell is awesome and I will watch whatever new show she is in, so if they do decide to do something new then I will be happy. But it does not take away from the fact that three awesome shows have been cancelled this year: The O.C., Gilmore Girls, and nowVeronica Mars. Also, I’ve never seen this show, but fans of Jericho, which also got cancelled, have started a protest. They’ve got the right idea. It’s a shame no one in TV land cares what the damn viewers think.
The Veronica Mars finale will air next week. I’m still crossing my fingers that it will come back in some form or another seeing as I haven’t seen anything about its cancellation on the CW blog. But it’s not looking hopeful.
I hate you, American TV. I hate you like Paris Hilton hates condoms.
Well America, you’ve done it again. The cancellation of The O.C. just wasn’t enough for you, huh? Way to go.
Michel: It’s cold and grey like a fat dead pigeon.
That’s how my heart feels, America.
Seriously, do you thrive of bringing pain to others? I’m not talking ouch I sat on a pin pain, I’m talking holy shit, I accidently dipped my arm into a pool of lava which caused me to walk backwards into a helicopter propeller which hit me right in the eyes pain. COLD AND GREY LIKE A FAT DEAD PIGEON, America.
Never again will we hear Paris complaining. Never again will we hear Miss Patty singing or Lane playing the drums. Never again will we see what new job Kirk has gotten each week or what plans Taylor has for Stars Hollow. Never again will we hear Michel come up with gems such as “people are particularly stupid today. I can’t talk to anymore of them”. Never again will we learn great cooking tips from Sookie, or drink coffee whilst pretending it’s as good as what Luke has in his diner. Never again will we hear Emily and Richard bickering with each other, or Jess and Dean arguing over which one of them is better. Finally, never again will we see Rory upsetting Lorelai and causing her pain like the stupid little bitch that she is. What the hell happened? Rory was awesome in the beginning seasons. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO RUIN IT? But most of all, never again will we see Lorelai and the Dragonfly Inn. Lorelai is by far the greatest character on the show, and Lauren Graham is just awesome.
AMERICA, WHY DO YOU MAKE IT SO EASY FOR ME TO HATE YOU?
The last episode of Gilmore Girls will air on May 15th. I hope they finally do something good with season 7 and make it a good ending, otherwise I’m going to sue America. YES, I’M GOING TO SUE A COUNTRY AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME.
Bye Gilmore Girls, I love you. And whomever is responsible for the cancellation of this fabulous show, I hope you get french kissed by George Bush.
Lorelai: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Gilmores of our lives.
Bacteria and Viruses, when multiplying, produce organisms within hours that are capable of killing thousands of people and causing worldwide pandemics. Humans living in the United States of America, when multiplying, produce organisms that have to write “London, England” on the bottom of their films when showing a shot of Big Ben, or “Paris, France” when showing the Eiffel Tower. These people, not only ruin their films by doing this, but now have moved on to ruining television shows. You may have heard the news about the cancellation of the hit show The O.C. This is because Americans would rather sit down on their custom made sofas with built in soda and chip holders and daydream for an hour that they have a future being a successful doctor or forensic analyst whilst watching other shows which they believe will give them a degree in such fields. However, due to the fact that Americans can’t even spell, these dreams are just that—dreams. Well I’ve got news for you Billy fucking Bob. Your dreams are ruining the lives of normal people with normal sized sofas. I hope when those bacteria and viruses do take over the world, they start with your fucking house.
And while we’re on the note of stupidity, it seems to be that time of year again where people turn fucking stupid and send out stupid fucking emails.
“Ellen has tagged you! ;)”
“Charlotte wants you to join Hi-gofuckyourself-5!”
“Laura wants to stay in touch! Join sms-diescreaming-connect.com now!”
What the fuck, seriously? You’ve sent these emails to me 32 fucking times in the past week already. Did you think your emails got lost on the way? Did you think the virtual postmen mislaid them? I have not joined your stupid fucking sites. I do not want to fucking stay in touch with you. I do not want you to fucking tag me; does it look like we are in the playground running around? No. So back the fuck off and quit sending me this shit, or I will have to send you some back. Literally. The bird fucking H5N1 infested shit at that.
Happy fucking New Year, assholes.
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