Living in London it’s not unusual to bump into someone famous. Last year I bumped into people like Kelly Osbourne, Stephen Fry and Ashley Jensen just to name a few. Living next to Amy Winehouse and having a pub nearby frequented by people like her, Kate Moss and Kirsten Dunst also means there are always people hanging around the area.
Today on the train home from uni I noticed someone sitting in front of me and I was like wait a minute I know her. I realised she was in the band Mr Hudson & The Library who were one of the support acts at an Amy Winehouse concert I went to last year. Eventually I was like okay this is going to bug me if I don’t, so I went and sat opposite her and said hi. She was really friendly and we spoke for about 20 minutes until I had to get off the train. We exchanged contact details and apparently she lives right next to my uni and the other band members live pretty close to me, so who knows, I might bump into her or them again in the future. It was pretty random. :p
There are two types of people in this world: those I like and those I don’t like. Stan* is one of the people I want to introduce to Jenny Schecter. Why would I want to ruin this poor guy’s life, you ask? Because he ruined mine, that’s why. You see, Stan is the new manager at my local pub and he is obviously missing something vital in his head, like I don’t know maybe his cerebral cortex. Why? Because yesterday the fucking genius got rid of the pool table.
Now I don’t know on what planet he thinks this was a good idea because from where I’m standing it’s the stupidest fucking idea I have ever had the displeasure of hearing about. He thinks by removing the pool table and adding two extra tables of the chair accompanying kind, the pub will make more money. Um, what? Now, I am friends with 95% of the bar staff and they tell me the pool table brings in about £200 a week. I know for a fact that my friends and I contribute greatly to that sum. How much more money exactly does he think two measly tables are going to make? HUH STAN, YOU FUCKTARD?! THE PUB DOESN’T EVEN GET FULL UNLESS IT’S THE WEEKEND YOU MOTHERFUCKER.
Not only did Stan get rid of the pool table but he is also planning on getting rid of the quiz machine. All the staff hate him and now I HATE HIM TOO. My friends who work at the pub were going to warn me of when he was planning to get rid of the pool table so we could all go and protest, BUT HE DIDN’T EVEN TELL THEM. HE JUST DID IT. MOTHERSUCKINGFUCKER!
I hate you Stan. I’m going to pretend to be Phoebe and sing outside the pub now so all the customers leave. YEAH.
* Real name changed at the request of my lawyer. :p
***UPDATE***
Last week I created a facebook group expressing my dislike for the plans to remove the pool table. I just got a text from one of my friends who works in the pub, saying: “Hey, I would suggest closing the save the pool table group on facebook. Stan knows about the group and he is not happy about it! x” WELL Stan, I’M NOT HAPPY ABOUT YOUR FACE.
Some of you may be readers of the website PerezHilton.com. If you are you will know he was DJing at the Soho Revue Bar in London last night. Who do you know that reads his site and lives in London? That’s right, me. No, you don’t win a prize for guessing correctly.
So anyway we get to the bar last night and the queue is going around 2 corners. After queuing for 45-60 minutes people at the front were getting told they couldn’t go in because they didn’t have a ticket, or pretty much because the bouncers decided only certain people were going to be let in to the venue.
The paparazzi were also outside the doors and so it meant famous people would be present. I have a really strong hatred for the paparazzi ever since an incident that occurred after an Amy Winehouse VIP party, but that’s a story for another day.
Anyway, the bouncers didn’t have a problem with us going in because we are pretty much awesome, and so we entered. Jodie Harsh was hosting the party and I must say his/her (let’s just refer to Jodie as a female from now) DJing was fucking awesome. She’s pretty badass and every time she walked around the club she had 2 security men accompanying her.
There were a few celebrities around but mostly people I don’t care about enough to mention. Perez finally started DJing at around 1:30am, and started with a mix he said we were the first people to hear. It was pretty much a song about his penis. Video below. Recorded on phone.
The night consisted mostly of what you see on this flyer:
And they weren’t kidding about the slutty pole dancers. Video of that below, again recorded on phone.
Overall it was a good night but I do have one complaint. Drinks were an average of £8/$16 for spirit + mixer. What is that about! Quote of the night, said by me at the end of the party: “It would have been better if the cheaps were drinker.” Worst thing is, I wasn’t even drunk.
It’s about time I mentioned America and how great it is at destroying the world.
George W.(anker) Bush’s idiocy is finally coming to an end, but will he be replaced by another idiot?
Even if you don’t live in America, pretend you do, and pretend you are of voting age. Who would you vote for? Or if you are in America and voted, who did you vote for?
Key
[D] = Democrat
[R] = Republican
OUT = Out of the presidential race
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Personally, I’ve got a crush on Obama (see also: Obama vs. Giuliani).
Even though I do want Obama to be the Democratic candidate, I won’t mind if Clinton gets it just as long as in the end a Democrat wins. If the next president is a Republican, I think I will have to go and live on the moon. And I’ll be taking Michael Vartan with me. Think about that, America. Can you really live without seeing Michael’s face on television and in movies again? I don’t think so. Or if that’s not your thing, I’ll also be taking Sarah Shahi. Think long and hard about your decision.
Okay let’s step away from the elections for a moment and just focus on America’s fuckups. I feel like every time I write about the US of A it’s in a negative way. It’s not that I’m hating on you, I’m not! (Maybe just a little). I love America! I have a house in Los Angeles for fuck’s sake. But really? Even you have to admit that you are sucking monkey balls lately.
Please, America. Allow the world to wake up one day and not feel like injecting Americans with high doses of MRSA. That’s all we ask for.
It’s Magic Monday. I tried to record a trick but my brain is fried from drunken activities over the weekend and so instead you are getting the result of me attempting to record a trick and failing. Many times.
Sometimes when I’m in public, I like to do normal things like ask people for directions to the Eiffel Tower whilst standing in the middle of a busy London street, or instead of asking for the time I point to my watch and ask if they know what the temperature is.
Today I decided I would pretend to be working for a government intelligence agency. I walked down the road and then suddenly put my hand to my ear and said “I’ve got a 20 on the target. Alpha team standby.” I spotted a woman looking towards where I was looking and then speed walking in the opposite direction. Awesome. Or should I say, without me it’s aweso.
I encourage you all to partake in these normal activities. Get a friend to film it on video for extra funsies. :p
It’s Monday which means I owe you a magic trick. I recorded this one a few days ago in the pub. There’s no sound so I’m going to explain what’s going on. The camera angle is not ideal, but this can be used to your advantage because it makes it pretty easy to figure out how the trick is done. So watch, learn, and impress your friends.
2 spectators pick a card each and then place them on top of the deck. The deck is shuffled and cut into two equal piles. A spectator holds one pile while the magician holds the other. The magician takes half of the cards from one pile and turns them face up and places them on the face down half. The same is done with the pile the spectator is holding. These 2 piles are then put on top of each other. The cards magically all turn back the right way around except for the 2 cards the spectators chose.
Pub Trick A variation of ‘the best card trick in the world’
So I went and saw Juno today. Awesome film. Ellen Page who plays Juno really reminded me of somebody throughout the film and really sounded like somebody else, so after the film I googled on my phone who she could possibly be reminding me of. As we were walking out of the screen, I said “shit, where’s my phone?” The guy who worked there started laughing and then I realised I was holding it and staring at Google. Duh. Anyway so I figured out she reminded me of Linda Cardellini. First mission accomplished.
Next step, working out who she sounded like. So now we’re walking down the stairs of the cinema and Google brings up the name Ellen Page and I say “who the fuck is Ellen Page?” even though I had just typed her name in 5 seconds beforehand. My friend was just like “…” At this point I decided it would be better for me to give up my quest because my mind was obviously vacationing in America where such stupid outbursts I’m sure are perfectly normal.
This still leaves me with an unanswered question. If you’ve seen Juno, did her voice remind you of anyone else’s?
So one of my friends from school is studying Arabic at university and is doing a year out in Syria. I was talking to her today and was like “hey so what are your plans for this weekend?” She was like “not much, chillin’ like a villain” so I was like “rocksome, let’s do some sightseeing.” So then I rang my contact at the airport and bought a ticket for tomorrow. I leave in about 10 hours. Yeah, being spontaneous is my middle name. I get back on 30th January, try not to miss me too much. :p
I’ve decided that I’m going to rename Mondays to Magic Mondays. Why? Every Monday I’m going to post a video of me doing a magic trick. You’ll either see the trick working or you’ll get to laugh when it goes wrong. Either way, it’s a win-win situation for you. If you’re in the London area, watch out. In the next few weeks I will be approaching unsuspecting people on the street and sawing them in half. You don’t want that one to go wrong.
The videos will start off with basic tricks to get you in the mood, and will slowly build up to bursts of awesome.
So, are you ready? Let the show begin. [cue scary thundery music]
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