I Don’t Do Sarcasm Anymore … I’m Post-Ironic

Bacteria and Viruses, when multiplying, produce organisms within hours that are capable of killing thousands of people and causing worldwide pandemics. Humans living in the United States of America, when multiplying, produce organisms that have to write “London, England” on the bottom of their films when showing a shot of Big Ben, or “Paris, France” when showing the Eiffel Tower. These people, not only ruin their films by doing this, but now have moved on to ruining television shows. You may have heard the news about the cancellation of the hit show The O.C. This is because Americans would rather sit down on their custom made sofas with built in soda and chip holders and daydream for an hour that they have a future being a successful doctor or forensic analyst whilst watching other shows which they believe will give them a degree in such fields. However, due to the fact that Americans can’t even spell, these dreams are just that—dreams. Well I’ve got news for you Billy fucking Bob. Your dreams are ruining the lives of normal people with normal sized sofas. I hope when those bacteria and viruses do take over the world, they start with your fucking house.

And while we’re on the note of stupidity, it seems to be that time of year again where people turn fucking stupid and send out stupid fucking emails.
“Ellen has tagged you! ;)”
“Charlotte wants you to join Hi-gofuckyourself-5!”
“Laura wants to stay in touch! Join sms-diescreaming-connect.com now!”

What the fuck, seriously? You’ve sent these emails to me 32 fucking times in the past week already. Did you think your emails got lost on the way? Did you think the virtual postmen mislaid them? I have not joined your stupid fucking sites. I do not want to fucking stay in touch with you. I do not want you to fucking tag me; does it look like we are in the playground running around? No. So back the fuck off and quit sending me this shit, or I will have to send you some back. Literally. The bird fucking H5N1 infested shit at that.

Happy fucking New Year, assholes.

A great poet once said:

“Those born in the land where in God they trust, more than likely are annoying.”

My studies have proven this statement to be a factual one. Now, I won’t lie to you. On the outside these aliens may appear normal, and hell, they may even seem like nice and fun beings to be around. But no my friends, my experience with them has been a long and difficult one.

I know you are all wondering, “how do I differentiate between an alien and a person just like me and you?”, good question and the answer is simple. These aliens are usually bone-headed, funny accented, and generally a pain in the ass. The onset of the pain in the ass usually takes about 0.5 seconds to kick in once exposed. You may also feel the urge to point and laugh, or perhaps accidentally slip that banana peel you had been holding whilst looking for a rubbish bin in front of them, causing an accident which would be made funnier at the fact that no one would want to help after hearing the cries of “oh ma lawrd, hyelp myeah!”. You may have heard of the “fight or flight” response we humans have when faced with danger. Well, these aliens, in all their alien glory like to instead faux metamorphose into faux pigeons, the action of which was once described by another great poet:

“if one intends to emote tears, flapping one’s hands will not blow them away, but may instead lead one to accidentally slap oneself in the face.”

Nobody likes pigeons now, do they?

Now don’t get me wrong, not all aliens are bad. Studies have shown that they’re only one letter [U] away from learning the alphabet and taking that step forward in learning how to spell words. Like humour. Similar to a great food known as houmous but not quite. Their leader knows all about houmous. He enjoys it with pretzels.

These aliens, led by a being who is not only a great cowboy and fisherman, but also an impeccable public speaker, I believe should not be given up on yet.

God Bless U.S. and A.[ngelina].